The Four Kinds of Blogs

There's a little toolbar provided across the top of my Blogger account screen. Never having blogged before a few days ago, I wondered what our friends at Google were offering up, so I started clicking buttons.

"Next Blog." Hmmm. What's that?

It's the Blogger random blog search engine, that's what, for the three of us who didn't know.

Big disappointment there, folks. Apparently Google's bloggers fall into roughly four categories.

The first, and most disturbing, is the Fake Blog. In my naivety, I assumed that blogs were all created by real people with real things to say. Uh-uh. Apparently, spammers have grown considerably more creative in recent years. They've created the Fake Blog Generating Program. The Fake Blog looks real enough, will have a reasonably well-written story heading it, with an equally realistic blog name. Then start looking further down the list of articles: Penis enhancement? Find a prostitute? Bigger Boobs in 90 Days? WTF?

Then there's the blogs using the wacky "Hello Kitty" motif, usually splashed in vivid pinks and reds, anime, and crazy type fonts. You can't understand a word written, unless you're fluent in Asian languages. I wouldn't be interested if there was a translation, because it would probably be akin to 1980's Valley Girl-speak. I'll, like, pass; like, totally...

Next most popular: Moms in their thirties, who think they're either the next Rachel Ray or Samantha Brown, or who worse yet, really know everyone must be interested in the most minute details of their adorable children's activities. Why else would they blather on, paragraph after paragraph, after paragraph, photo after goddamn photo, on little Britney and Cody's latest exploits? Their stories are major news, Internet users. Pay attention! You'll find lots of italics in these blogs. And exclamation points!!!! Personally, I think these mothers need to take fewer drugs.

Then there's the People Who Think-What-They-Say-is-Important Blog. Self-proclaimed financial wizards who chart the growth of their penny stocks, the religious cultists, the folks who generate reams of impenetrable poetry. All of which is Very Important Stuff. To them....

I'd say my blog falls nearest to the latter category, except that I don't think my thoughts are all that freaking important, nor am I fixated on a certain topic I mull over and over. Besides, I'm smart enough to know realize that nobody is reading this, other than the few people I've either forced or begged.

The horror; the horror. I was expecting so much more out of blogging than this. So: go press that "Next Blog" button at your own risk, and good luck with that. I'll be right here, an island of sanity in the vast blogging wasteland.... oh, shit, I'm beginning to think what I say is important! Help me, before I start italicising every word and posting pink menus in Japanese!!!