Gordon Ramsay: A 3-Star Kick In The Butt

I'm not one to pay much attention to things like Michelin stars, unless they're printed on the sidewall of tires. Which they are not. I don't really like classy restaurants, where the portions are small and the bill is high. My idea of fine cuisine is a Double Double from In-And-Out. With fries, thank you.

So it comes as a shock that I am glued to the television every time I come across "Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares" on BBC America. Ramsay is so well known in the UK that the show doesn't bother to introduce him to uninitiated, unwashed Americans like myself. All the better, in fact, because what Ramsay does is not so much about 3-star cooking as it is about kicking ass.

The pretext of the series is simple. Ramsay comes to the aid of a struggling restaurant. Most of these are of the Michelin star category, and in some cases the cherished star has vanished, along with the customers. Ramsay introduces us to the restaurant, the staff, the menu, the town. And then the magic begins.

With a flurry of swear words, bleeped out for our Puritan American ears, Ramsay starts cutting into the owners and staff as if butchering a lamb. They stand wide-eyed, speechless, like young recruits just arriving at Marine basic training. Ramsay demands answers, issues challenges, yells more obscenities until he's broken their spirit. And then, just like a Marine drill Sargent, he starts building them up again. You get the sense that after a week, the owners, chef and staff will do anything to keep the 3-star monster off their backs. New menus. New decor. Even a change of name. (The restaurant's, though you get the sense that if Ramsay ordered it, they'd change their own.)

And look! It works. Ramsay pops in a few weeks later, and it's smiles all around. The tables are full. Customers are laughing; the wine flows. Three cheers for GR.

Now, were this an American horse opera from the 1950's, the last scene would be a man and woman watching Ramsay gallop out of town on a stallion. One would turn to the other and ask,
"Who was that masked man?"

Yet, I'm sure just the appearance of Gordon Ramsay in some European backwater restaurant would cause diners to line up outside for months. Afterall, the guy is a rock star; the highest-rated Michelin chef in England.

I'm sure there's a long que of so-so restaurants eager to be sworn at by the Chef. Don't miss his next nightmare.