A How-To Article: Writing Your First Novel Using Dave's Patented "Chinese Restaurant" Method

It's fun! It's easy! Here's how to generate a best-selling story line! Expand the synopsis you'll create below and wham-mo: on to the book tour.

All you have to do is pick options from the accompanying lists, just like you would at a Chinese restaurant... you know, one from column "A," one from column "B" until you (or in this case, your audience) has eaten their fill. So, follow along and you're good to go... all the way to Barnes and Noble's "New Fiction" shelf.

Ready to become a famous author? Let's do it!

When (fill in the name of your lead character):

a) kills
b) marries
c) divorces
d) sleeps with
e) buys a beer for
f) borrows money from
g) steals the identity of

(fill in the name of another character)

a) all hell breaks loose
b) discovers they're clairvoyant
c) finds out they have a child they never knew about
d) realizes they're actually pawns in a deadly game
e) is transported back in time
f) is now wanted by the FBI
g) is now wanted by the mob
h) is now wanted by both the FBI and the mob
i) has made a pact with the devil
j) has made a pact with the devil, the FBI and the mob
k) was really the shooter on the grassy knoll.

Soon enough, (character name) is

a) embroiled in a plot with
b) hunting
c) being hunted by
d) racing against time with
e) travelling the world with
f) trapped in a swamp with
g) trapped in a burning building with
h) trapped in a political scandal with
i) trapped in a bathroom without toilet paper with
j) hanging by a thread with
k) hanging by their feet from a toilet within a burning building with

a) the President
b) mom
c) aliens
d) mysterious strangers with secret agendas and funny accents
e) evil corporate big shots
f) Jesus Christ
g) the "ex"

who has just finished:

a) planning a surprise party
b) making a nationwide broadcast
c) threatening the world with mass destruction
d) taking the cat to the vet
e) losing the secret microfilm down the drain
f) sleeping with (character name's) best friend.

Fortunately, (character name) has:

a) a magic wand
b) telekinesis
c) a reformed alcoholic brother
d) double-jointed shoulder blades
e) keys to a Ferrari
f) keys to a safe house
g) keys to a safe house with a Ferrari
h) the phone number of the last honest cop in the city.

Soon, (character name) will be:

a) firing their pistol
b) firing a machine gun
c) firing a rocket launcher
d) firing their manager
e) firing off emails
f) firing up the barbecue

in order to subdue:

a) the forces of evil
b) good guys who have mistaken (character name) for a bad guy
c) roving packs of wild dogs
d) giant crickets
e) public criticism.


OK, got your plot line? Great! Be sure and share that first royalty check with me. A dedication would be nice, too.