SCAQMD: End Civilization Now!

A long, long time ago, in a place called.... well, it had no name; I don't think cavemen gave their rocky abodes names... man harnessed the sparks created from an errant lightening bolt and... voila! Man had fire.

Fire was a civilizing influence. Cavemen now had a reason to come home after a long day hunting sabre-tooth tigers. Their cavewoman counterparts would have a hot and hearty bronto-burger waiting for them, and they could share the day's ordeals in front of a crackling fire with the cave-children. They charted their exploits with carvings and paintings on the cave walls; drew the first maps, and later huddled beneath mammoth skins to make love, all with the flickering glow of firelight to guide their way.

Fast forward a few dozen thousand years, and the basis for civilization is in peril. Yes, all that man has achieved is now endangered, thanks to a body of bureaucrats known locally as the South Coast Air Quality Management District.

You see, the SCAQMD, having already screwed with our ability here in So Cal to manufacture and paint things, drive the cars we want, and, if they could find a way, prevent cows from farting, has dealt the ultimate death blow to all we hold dear; all that separates us from the other animals.

The SCAQMD says that effective next year, we can't make fire.

How's that, you ask? Well, since we no longer live in caves (at least most of us) but in houses, we make fire in our fireplaces. And, starting soon, we denizens of So Cal will no longer be able to build new homes with fireplaces.

That's right, folks. It's all over. It seems fireplaces create soot, and soot by its nature is dirty. And dirty soot means dirty air. And dirty air is a bad thing. The SCAQMD is mandated to stop bad things. Result: no fireplace in your new cave, I mean home.

Slowly, inevitably, the fireplaces we have will be demolished as new construction replaces old. And, don't you think somewhere down the line, the SCAQMD will say "no" to using the ones that are left? What a bunch of ash-holes.

So, friends, kiss the civilizing nature of fire "goodbye". No more will you cuddle with your Special Someone in front of romantic flickering flames. No more burning old love letters, or the wrapping paper from your Christmas presents. No more staring into the fire, contemplating the meaning of life, or the nature of man, or reaching that "a-ha" moment where we find a long-sought solution to a troubling problem.

When the Big One comes some moonless winter night, as all Californians who live in 'Quake Country know it will, we will laugh with black humor to think that our caveman ancestors would have been more comfortable that first night with fire, than we will be, amidst the ruins of our soot-proof wrecked condos.