The Real End Game For Iraq

For all the talk conservatives have force-fed us on Iraq, nobody has dared suggest anything but that the Iraqi government will eventually get its act together and create a free and democratic nation. The left wing hasn't suggested anything less optimistic, save that we bail out immediately, and by doing so, force their government into functionality by way of coalition-style "tough love".

I've got a different scenario, one that their traditionally undemocratic society will no doubt embrace when the time comes.

Here's how it's going to come down, ladies and gentlemen. The Sunni and Shia are going to continue to bitch-slap each other in their Parliament for the next decade. Meanwhile, we're going to do what we do best, which is build them a fully-trained, well-equipped army so that presumptively the country can protect itself.

Nobody trains soldiers like we can. We'll build a cadre of professionals that can field-strip their AK-47's blindfolded, under mortar attack, all while singing the national anthem and taking a crap in a slit trench. We'll send their officers to war colleges in America and they'll learn the fine art of which fork to use at state dinners.

We can't teach democracy, but we can teach them corporation-style military management. Junior-grade soldiers will learn the quickest way out of the trench is by kissing ass and memorizing George C. Scott's speech from "Patton". Middle-management Majors will learn double-entry bookkeeping and read the translated version of "How To Win Friends and Influence People." And the Generals?

They'll increasingly look with disgust at the professionalism of their people, and the worthlessness of their government. And then, one day, over a cold one down at the PX, one General is going to look at another General and grumble: "You know, Adbul, those clowns up in Bagdhad? We could do a better job running the country than those idiots."

And so 72 hours later, there's a coup. The general with the best looks and table manners will stand before the people and say, "Change is coming. Believe in us."

He might even look a little like Barack Obama, for all we know.

We'll shrug our shoulders, and see the logic behind it all; never mind those of us with good memories, recalling that this was the path to power for Saddam Hussein.

So it goes. Democracy is nice, but the US will settle for a friendly dictator, any day.

Of course, thats just as long as General Abdul Barack Obama says he loves America, sells us oil, and buys Chevy pickups and F-16's with the proceeds. Well, then, sure. Everything will be just fine with good 'ol Uncle Sam.