Dear Queen Elizabeth II:

July 7, 2007 A.D.

Queen Elizabeth II
Windsor Castle (Or Buckingham Palace, or where ever you are)
England
United Kingdom
(note to proofreader, find out her zipcode, OK?)

Your Royal Highness:

As a citizen of your nation's former colony, popularly known as The United States of America, I ask forgiveness of our founder's unruly treatment of your predecessor (and army) that resulted in our independence some 232 years ago.

Let me come straight to the point, your highness. It has become apparent to many of us that we haven't a clue as to how to govern ourselves. As example, at the present time it takes us over a year to determine nominees for our highest office, that of President, and months more to hold elections and finally determine a winner.

I understand that in your United Kingdom, the same process is accomplished in about five weeks.

Perhaps it would be understandable if the lengthy time in determining a new President resulted in the election of men (and someday women) of the best caliber; people of great intellect, high moral character, and sound judgement. Alas, I cannot say that this is the case.

The last two Presidents of our country reveal this failure in vivid detail. You, having met both men, surely you do not need me to point this out to you.

Many in your country have shown disdain at the election of your two most recent Prime Ministers, Messrs Blair and Brown. Mr. Blair, in supporting our own President Bush, became in the eyes of the media "Bush's lap dog," and Mr. Brown... appears to be just a dog.

Viewed from "across the pond" though, we have witnessed that both men can, and frequently do, string entire words together to form complete and cogent sentences, and neither has had a mistress come forth with a stained wardrobe.

Furthermore, it is greatly apparent that in our arrogance as "the world's last superpower" (for now) we have alienated much of the Free World, while increasingly antagonizing the people who didn't like us in the first place.

Your kingdom, on the other hand, has graciously granted most of its holdings back to the people you once subverted and pillaged for commercial exploit and their land's natural resources. (Sorry, that sounds so insensitive.)

England now is thought of around the world as a lovely place to visit museums, admire your palaces, and film period costume dramas. Huzzah! (Is that how you say that? My Shakespeare is rusty.)

So, on behalf of the American people, might I suggest we let bygones be bygones and, as the financial wunderkind might say, form a merger?

A merger, you say? Why, yes, dear Queen. Think of it: England, and America, back together again! You can even bring the Canadians along, if you must. (Except Quebec. Nobody wants to deal with anything even half French.)

We'll adopt the Pound Sterling as coinage, since it's worth so much more than our measly dollar; we'll gleefully join your health care system, crush our guns, and learn proper English, with the accent, of course. We'll even pay back taxes on the tea we dumped in Boston harbor. Perhaps, as a country united across a great ocean, both countries can solve the great issues that jointly plague our lands, like what to do about rap music, and how to get rid of that annoying Simon Cowell on TV.

There is one little, teensy-itsy-bitsy issue that we can't budge on, if the merger is to go through. I'm sure you'll give us one small concession, but it is crucially important for the former colonies to sign off on the deal.

You'll have to learn to drive on the right side of the street. Sorry.


Sincerely,

Joe Lunchbox
LA, CA, US of A