Things I'll Never Need In Ireland.

Sun screen.

Shorts.

A mister system.

High fructose corn syrup. (Everything is real sugar, there.)

Air conditioning.

A 4 speed, dual quad, posi-traction 409.

Ebonics-to-English translation book.

Another Good Reason To Not Watch TV

This year's Emmy awards show was supposed to have showcased the best television has to offer. Maybe it did, but I turned it off after the first hour because it certainly wasn't offering up anything I wanted to watch.

I don't want to know who was responsible for writing garbage like this, but their names ought to be passed around Hollywood as people who have no comedic sense whatsoever. I've never seen so many jokes fall flat in the name of "edgy" humor.

Get a clue, guys. There's better jokes in a three year old copy of Reader's Digest. I'm sure you all think Jay Leno is out of style -- but at least he can make people laugh. Neil Patrick Harris may be funny on his sitcom, but he's the poster boy for award show hosts who are so full of themselves. And, as Wifey pointed out, he's no Hugh Jackman when it comes to song and dance, either.

I guess it's back to the Discovery Channel for me...

What If...?

Funny stuff for your enjoyment.

YouTube - "What If the Beatles Were Irish?" by Roy Zimmerman

I Want It. I Want It Bad.

Follow the link below to the cottage of my dreams. Nine minutes of heaven.

YouTube - mossfort cottage

So You Thought Insider Trading Was Illegal? Guess Again.

This little bit of news pissed me off.

If you work on Wall Street, and use information not available to the public for your own profit, you can go to jail. It's a serious crime. But guess who can use insider information freely, make all the money they want, and do it perfectly legally?

Your Congressman.

That's right, folks. The people who regulate Wall Street and write the laws that determine how your tax dollars are spent, are free to use information that the public doesn't yet know about to make money for themselves.

And use it they do. A recent study shows that our reps are making about 12 percent annually on their investments, in good markets and bad. Bernie Madoff should have had it so good.

There ought to be a law. Yeah, like they're going to pass a law like that.

Great Hollywood Mistakes.

We're not going to dwell on so-called movie "bloopers" as there's a ton of websites out there that can point out even the smallest continuity screw up. No, I'm talking mistakes that have derailed, even ruined the careers.

Image, for example, is everything. Letting the whole world know you're an irresponsible drunk not only drives away your audience, it drives away investors who might finance your next film.

Look no further than Mickey Rourke, who only last year was able to crawl out of his self-created black hole and find a role that was able to capitalize on the actor's past. What comes next is up to him.

It's worse if you're a woman in Hollywood. All but a few have a relatively short shelf life in film, and this isn't the forum to argue about the cruelty of that fact. Add irratic behavior and the public perception swings from "oh, isn't she cute" to "look at that crazy bitch". Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Lindsay Lohan...

Lohan didn't help herself by becoming attracted to a lesbian disc jockey and proclaiming she was gay to everyone who would listen. While Hollywood is certainly one of the most gay-friendly industries around, a certain amount of modesty in the matter makes a great deal of difference to the ticket-buying public. Good job: Jodie Foster. Bad job: Anne Heche.

Dis-figure this: Actors have long relied on cosmetic surgery to prolong their careers, but sometimes the change can make them unrecognizable. The recent death of Patrick Swayze reminded me of his co-star in two movies, Jennifer Grey. Her nose job was probably the most costly in history, though she continues to get work, according to IMDB.

Which brings us to tonight's winner. Once so huggable you'd believe she could both shit kittens and piss glitter, Meg Ryan suffered not one but two tumultuous marriages to Miami Vice star Don Johnson (where'd he go, by the way?) and the fatal blow of getting her lips injected with collagen. She went from looking like America's sweetheart (see Sleepless in Seattle) to just another sultry looking woman in a cosmetics ad. We've got plenty of sultry women in Hollywood, but not enough sweethearts. Sorry, Meg.

Mary Travers, Dead at 72

Somehow, even when you know someone has been sick for years, passes away, it comes as a shock. Mary Travers, of Peter, Paul, and Mary fame, has died of Leukemia, and I feel so sad to hear the news.

Maybe it's a 60's thing, but I always thought that Mary Travers left a trail of good Karma where ever she went. If you believe in auras, Mary's was always radiating a swirling kaleidoscope of bright greens and blues and yellows, sort of a translucent version of a tie-dyed T-shirt.

What a voice; powerful yet lyric. Was there any song that wasn't improved by the addition of her vocal touch?

And so it goes.